Tuesday, July 5, 2011
I returned home this morning from my Holiday weekend with my sisters. My hubby did all of his chores like a good boy. Had he not, a punishment would have been in order. I know what you’re thinking. If you are a submissive male and you were in my hubby’s shoes, you would screw up something on purpose just so you could be punished, am I right?
That is one of the challenges to this lifestyle. If a man is submissive or a masochist, how does a woman punish him if he likes to be spanked and whipped and scolded. I struggled with this in my early FemDom years. I swear James always left one or two chores unfinished on purpose just so I would punish him. It was pretty obvious and I didn’t mind because in those early years I enjoyed punishing him almost as much as he liked being punished. However, later on I became annoyed at his willful disobedience. That’s where having mentors like Elise and Hillary or a support group like ClubFEM proves to be invaluable. Sharing ideas with other dominant women and learning from their experience is how you overcome these obstacles.
Elise had a great passage in her first book, “Female Domination”, about the difference between discipline and punishment. I could not say it any better so I’m going to quote her.
“In the FemDom lifestyle, the woman disciplines the man so he becomes a better servant to her. The man is disciplined in order to be corrected so that he becomes that better husband and that better servant. A weekly discipline session is so the Mistress or Dominant Wife can grade the man's performance in his assigned goals and tasks. He is given correction via discipline so that his performance will improve and so that he is properly trained in how to better serve his Mistress or Dominant wife.
A punishment is a judgment or a sentence for the violation of the law that the Dominant woman has laid down. The man that knowingly has violated one of his Queen's commands is punished to pay her retribution for his unlawful behavior. An example would be, say the Dominant Wife forbids her husband to masturbate. If he violates her known rules, he then would be punished to learn his lesson and to pay her retribution for his infraction.
Contrary, the submissive husband is regularly disciplined, whether he has violated any rules or not. He is discipline because his Dominant Wife is training him. A D&S activity like a whipping or a spanking can be either a discipline or a punishment. But the purpose and the severity will vary depending if it is for training or for rebuke. A punishment would be more severe than a discipline.
Discipline is a good thing and the submissive man can be taken to subspace by the loving yet authoritative hand of correction from his Mistress. Discipline is necessary for the Dominant Female to properly train her husband. A man without regular discipline is usually a disobedient husband who becomes self-centered and lazy. By nature, men need to be disciplined by a woman. The more a man is disciplined, the less he will need to be punished because he will be more obedient.
Punishment is a negative and is not intended to be submissively fulfilling. It is intended to punish wrong doings in a manner so that the wrong doings do not happen again. A punishment is also an act of love but its purpose is to rebuke and reprimand. The terms discipline and punishment are easily intermingled and sometimes people refer to a punishment as discipline and vice versa. However, the terminology is not as important as the purpose of the correction. If it is to train, guide and alter a male's behavior and attitude, then it is Discipline. If it is to reprove, penalize and chastise a male for disobedience, then it is Punishment. “
Say what you will about Elise and her philosophy but there is no denying that she is a wise woman with decades worth of experience. I could not have asked for a better mentor in those early years and the same can be said for Hillary, Lilly, Kay, Dee and Alex.
If James made honest mistakes in doing his chores, that would be addressed in his next discipline session. It doesn’t matter if he enjoys receiving discipline more than I like dishing out discipline, as long as the discipline works to adjust his attitude and to motivate him to do better. Discipline sessions usually consist of an OTK spanking, or light to medium whippings, or strap-on play. I liked our discipline sessions because they made us feel close to each other.
To a man like James a spanking or a whipping is as intimate as sex. I may not feel that way but he does. It works. James is always more eager to please me after I’ve disciplined him. It works like a charm. That’s why it was difficult for him during my wilderness time. He missed these sessions more than I did.
Punishments are different. If James purposively neglects his chores or screwed up because he was lazy while I was gone and he had to rush at the last minute to try to get them done before I got home, he needs to be punished but it must be something that he hates. It must be something he fears. That’s where my mentors and dominant friends were a big help in giving me ideas. I’ve learned what he hates and that’s what he gets when he’s been disobedient.
Here is a brief list of what works best on James:
-The cane (he hates being whipped with my cane. There is nothing erotic about it when I punish him with my cane).
-Corner time after the cane (he has to stand with his face to the corner for as long as I say).
-Corner time without the cane (making him spend a couple of long, boring hours with his nose to the wall is punishment enough. He hates it).
-Electric cock-ring (He hates this device. As a punishment he has to wear it around the house for a week and he gets frequent shocks when the mood strikes me).
-Taking away privileges like no television and no computer for a specified length of time (maybe a weekend, maybe an entire week).
-Early bedtime for a week (after he finishes his nightly chores he has to go to bed early).
-No discipline sessions, no D/s play for two weeks or maybe longer.
-He is denied access to my body for two weeks or maybe longer. No body worship and absolutely no licking my pussy. (He hates this one most of all).
Some of the suggestions the girls gave me didn’t work on James because he seemed to enjoy them. It is a trial and error process but once you find four or five things that he hates, you’re in control. It worked beautifully on James. He no longer screwed up his chores on purpose hoping I would punish him. He no longer wanted to be punished. He wants to be disciplined and he works hard to please me when he does his chores.